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Coercive Control: The Abuse You Can’t Always See
- Donna Burfield
- Dec 1, 2025
- 4 min read
Updated: Dec 7, 2025
By Donna Burfield - Joy & Purpose Coaching
Coercive control doesn’t leave bruises. It doesn’t always shout, slam doors, or look dangerous from the outside. In fact, that’s what makes it so insidious: it hides in everyday interactions, in subtle shifts of power, in the erosion of confidence and autonomy, and in the silent suffocation of someone’s freedom.
Coercive control is not the same as conflict. It is not a “bad relationship phase.” It is a pattern of domination where one person chips away at another’s independence, identity, and safety, emotionally, psychologically, financially, or socially.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re becoming smaller in a relationship…
If you’ve felt monitored, managed, or controlled…
If you’ve felt confused, ashamed, or like you’re losing yourself…
It is not your fault, and you are not imagining it.
The Reality of Coercive Control in the UK
Coercive control became a criminal offence in the UK in 2015.
Since then:
Police record over 30,000 coercive control offences each year (ONS).
Around 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men experience domestic abuse in their lifetime.
Coercive control is present in almost all abusive relationships, often long before physical violence begins.
It can happen to anyone, regardless of age, gender, culture, sexuality, or financial status.
Coercive control is not about anger. It is about power.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour designed to dominate, isolate, and degrade a partner, gradually taking away their freedom, confidence, and sense of self.
It works through:
manipulation
intimidation
isolation
micro-management
emotional abuse
threats
gaslighting
humiliation
financial control
And it is often so subtle at the beginning that victims do not realise what is happening until they are deeply entwined.
This isn’t a failure of judgment. It is a strategy, one used by abusers to create dependency and fear.
Common Forms of Coercive Control
1. Emotional & Psychological Manipulation
Blame-shifting
Silent treatment
Mocking, belittling, or humiliating
Making you feel “too sensitive” or “crazy”
Threats of self-harm to control you
2. Gaslighting
Denying events happened
Twisting your words
Making you doubt your memory or reality
Telling you you’re overreacting or unstable
3. Isolation
Discouraging you from seeing friends or family
Turning people against you
Creating dependency
Controlling where you go or who you speak to
4. Financial Control
Taking or restricting money
Refusing access to bank accounts
Monitoring spending
Preventing you from working
5. Monitoring & Surveillance
Checking your phone
Demanding passwords
Tracking your location
Reading messages or emails
6. Jealousy & Possessiveness Framed as “Love”
“I only worry because I love you”
“I want to protect you”
“Why do you need anyone else when you have me?”
7. Sexual Coercion
Pressure, guilt, or manipulation
Non-consensual acts
Using sex as a reward or punishment
8. Threats & Intimidation
Threats to leave
Threats to take the children
Threats involving pets, property, or reputation
Coercive control doesn’t always escalate to physical abuse, but physical abuse is almost always preceded by coercive control.
Signs & Symptoms You May Be Experiencing Coercive Control
People experiencing coercive control often describe:
Emotional & Psychological Symptoms
Walking on eggshells
Feeling confused or “not yourself”
Extreme self-doubt
Anxiety or panic
Guilt for things you haven’t done
Feeling you can’t make decisions on your own
Social Symptoms
Isolation from friends/family
Fear of upsetting your partner
Cancelled plans
Feeling embarrassed or ashamed
Practical & Behavioural Symptoms
Constant apologising
Hiding things to avoid conflict
Monitoring your own behaviour excessively
Feeling like you need permission
Losing hobbies, interests, or confidence
Physical Symptoms
Insomnia
Chronic stress
Headaches
Fatigue
Digestive issues
Hypervigilance (always on edge)
Coercive control works by shrinking your world until the only safe place seems to be the very person causing the harm. But it is possible to break free, safely, and with support.
Why People Stay and Why Leaving Is Complex
Coercive control traps people emotionally, psychologically, financially, and sometimes physically.
Staying does not mean you’re weak. It means the situation has been engineered to feel impossible to escape.
People stay because of:
fear
love
hope it will get better
children
financial dependence
threats
shame
isolation
trauma bonding
The responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never the victim.
What Helps
1. Reach Out (When It’s Safe to Do So)
You deserve support and someone who believes you.
2. Keep a Record
Messages, incidents, dates, only if safe.
3. Make a Safety Plan
Who can you contact? Where can you go? Do you have important documents accessible?
4. Build a Support Network
Professionals, helplines, trusted friends.
5. Don’t Confront the Abuser
Coercive controllers retaliate when challenged. Safety comes first.
UK Organisations Offering Support
Specialist Support
Women’s Aid - domestic abuse support, advice, and live chat
Refuge - support for women and children escaping abuse
ManKind Initiative - support for male victims of domestic abuse
Galop - support for LGBT+ survivors
General Support & Guidance
Citizens Advice - legal and practical support
Surviving Economic Abuse - specialist financial abuse support
Emergency & Crisis Support
National Domestic Abuse Helpline - 24/7 support
Samaritans - emotional support
Shout 85258 - confidential text support
999 - in immediate danger
Coercive control steals your sense of self long before you realise what’s happening. It erodes confidence, rewrites reality, and leaves you feeling lost in your own life.
Coercive control thrives in silence. Healing begins the moment you are seen, heard, and supported. Support is out there.
🌿 You can explore more free tools, articles, and supportive resources on the Joy & Purpose Coaching website.
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